Lessons learned

1. If a drunken young woman comes toward you with a loopy smile and a fistful of glitter, avoid her at all costs or prepare for every flat surface in your house to glint at you for the next several months -- the carpets, the furniture, the shower floor. Glitter is the radioactive waste of merrymaking.

2. If a professional warns you that a headpiece may be too heavy, take the hint. I wasn't scowling in those pictures as much as having my scalp pressed toward my navel. I'll take Chris up on his offer to take off a few layers of fruit.

3. If stricken with a cold at the onset of Fest Week, smile wanly at notions of bed rest, remember that rum is not one of the fluids you must force down. In any event, get ready for a hammer to hit you after the fat lady sings on Sunday. Misery may be postponed; it may not be avoided.

4. Try not to glue your real lashes together -- or, worse, your eyelids together -- when putting on big, fat fake eyelashes. And learned second-hand: If wearing truly huge fake eyelashes, prepare to feel as if your lids have been fitted for canvas awnings.

5. Realize that Revlon's "Red Hot Tamale" nail varnish can be removed, but unless you've had the foresight to apply a clear base coat, your nails will be a telltale shade of pink for days.

6. Remember that a hot glue gun solves a million problems, but the glue it spews sticks to your fingers at a million degrees.

7. Two words: Comfortable shoes.